34 Things You Didn’t Need to Know about Me

This survey has been circulating around Facebook, so I figured I’d post it here for the three or four of you left in the world who aren’t yet my Facebook friends.

1. Who are you named after?
Middle name: Mae, after my grandmother, whose awesome full name was Fannie Mae Hockenberry. I swear, with a name like hers, she should have been selling strawberry preserves.
First name: Linda, just because my parents liked it, especially once they realized their first choice, “Amy Au,” sounded silly. (This, coming from my mom, Ann Au, who doesn’t even have a middle name!)

2. Last time you cried?
Earlier today. I came home from a weird grocery shopping trip with a store full of just adults (not a child anywhere), none of whom were talking AT ALL, not even couples talking to each other. NOBODY TALKING. It didn’t bother me till I got home and was writing to someone else about it and busted out crying… I’m a very, VERY serious person most of the time, as you all know. (cough) The last time I cried before today was when we ran out of ice cream and the stores were all closed. (See? Very serious. I weight all personal tragedies equally.)

3. Do you like your handwriting?
What are we, in third grade? Here in my office alone I can see eight keyboards and ten typewriters. I type everything these days, so I don’t think I’ve even SEEN my own handwriting since the Reagan Administration.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Don’t judge. Oscar Mayer B-O-L-O-G-N-A. (You know you just sang that. And you know you’re going to curse me at 2 a.m. when it’s still stuck in your head.)

5. Longest relationship?
Romantic? Then, depending on how you define it, either my husband Wayne… We’ve beaten my first marriage by 7 years so far, although calling it “romantic” after 20 years now means “date nights” at a casino buffet, where Wayne saying “Here’s fifty bucks. Let’s have some fun!” has a very different meaning than it would have when I was twenty… or, if imaginary relationships count, then Gene Wilder. (I SAID, DON’T JUDGE!)

6. Do you still have your tonsils?
Wait, let me check… gnnhgrrr grrrllllnnngggg… Yup. Still there. Whew, for a moment I thought somebody might have stolen them.

7. Would you bungee jump?
Is this a trick question? Because I don’t even like getting on a step-stool with more than two steps.Next question.

8. What is your favorite cereal?
Deep philosophical questions like this really confound me. I’d have to say either Cap’n Crunch original or Honey Bunches of Oats With Almonds (in spite of their ridiculous, clearly-too-literal name).

9. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
When I even wear shoes, NO. I’ve replaced every shoelace in every shoe I own with these rubbery things that look like shoelaces but that simply turn your tied shoes into slip-ons. Every pair of Chuck Taylors are now SLIP-ONS. This was a game-changer for me. I mean, like, Yes, There Is A God game-changer.

10. Do you think you’re strong-willed?
Only if you want me to be.

11. Favorite ice cream?
Black raspberry or Mint chocolate chip. On a good waffle cone, please. Aaaaaand, now I’m hungry. Aaaaand there is no ice cream in the house. Now I must cry for the second time today. (See question 2.)

12. What is the first thing you notice about a person?
These days, whether or not they’re six feet away. Before March 2020, whether they look like they have a sense of humor. If they do, I whip out the sarcasm and snarky jokes. If they don’t, I whip out even more sarcasm and snarky jokes. Win-win.

13. Football or baseball?
On TV? football. Live? baseball. Getting hit in the head? Wiffle ball.

14. What color pants are you wearing?
I beg your pardon? Any day of the year it’s _____ [fill in the blank with a color from black to gray] sweatpants. Well, except for summer when it’s hot. Then it’s _____ [fill in the blank with a color from gray to black] sweat shorts.

15. Last thing you ate?
Low-carb pizza on a cauliflower crust. Pray for me. I’m going to cry for the third time today. I hate this survey.

16. What are you listening to?
The latest episode of Outlander via Roku on the TV in my office. And the tinnitus ringing in my ears 24/7. Anybody’s guess which one has more of my attention at any given time.

17. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Having worked for Crayola in the distant past, I can definitely say it’s NOT PERIWINKLE. But it might be Burnt Sienna. Just… NOT PERIWINKLE. I’m having PTSD flashbacks from 1981 now.

18. What is your favorite smell?
Crayons, but that’s probably because of the previous question. Really, it’s freshly ground coffee. Or freshly minted money. Or freshly washed babies. Just not low-carb pizza on a cauliflower crust. (Four times.)

19. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My brother on St. Patrick’s Day. (Hint: That was a week ago. DO NOT CALL ME ON THE PHONE.) He was checking in on our parents, who hadn’t answered their phone because, oddly, it never rang. Even more oddly, I was at their house when he called, and I told him they were fine. Even more oddly still, neither party wanted to actually talk to the other one so I hung up. Dysfunctional much?

20. Married?
Yes, so you’ll have to find some other poor shmoe to harass through your swipe-left-swipe-right app. I already have my own shmoe and we harass each other daily.

21. Hair color?
Until recently, Clairol Nice ‘N Easy #121. When I stopped coloring it, what was underneath was a lot whiter than I would have guessed. But it’s too late to go back now. Everybody’s seen it this way, and there are too many pictures!

22. Eye color?
Wait, let me check… Darn, that only works for tonsils… and genitals. (It’s more fun with the genitals than the tonsils, by the way, but the answer takes a lot longer.) I just dug out my driver’s license and it says brown eyes, so let’s go with that because “bloodshot” is apparently not an appropriate answer.

23. Favorite food to eat?
Wait… what am I doing with the OTHER foods if I’m not eating them??

24. Scary movies or happy endings?
Scary movies with happy endings. (Because happy movies with scary endings are just weird.)

25. Last movie you watched In a theater?
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, with my friend Crystal and her family here in Pittsburgh. Before that, wow… was it Gone With the Wind with my mother? (NO! NOT THE ORIGINAL SHOWING! I’m not THAT old, and neither is my mother!)

26. What color shirt are you wearing?
It’s always a _____ [fill in the blank with a color from gray to black] sweatshirt (today is gray) with a changeable T-shirt or raglan T-shirt underneath. (The layered look is still in, right?) Our freakin’ huge house has 12-foot ceilings and two furnaces so it’s always ch-ch-chilly in here. Even in August.

27. Favorite holiday?
Halloween, or, as I refer to it, NaNoWriMo Eve.

28. Beer or wine?
Neither. Sorry. Rum and Diet Coke, a.k.a. a Skinny Captain. Or a fruity bad-for-this-diabetic punch-like drink, preferably served to me with a tiny paper umbrella while I’m lounging on a lounge chair while I’m cruising on a cruise ship (just not the Diamond Princess).

29. Night owl or morning person?
If you’re asking if I like to stay up late and work, then night owl. If you’re asking when I like to actually go to bed, then morning person.

30. Favorite day of the week?
I might be the only person who answers this question with MONDAY. I love Mondays. Promise of a new week, and all that crap… yada yada puke. (Seriously, it’s Monday. Now put down those pitchforks!)

31. Favorite animal?
As pets, CATS. As critters in my back yard, fox squirrels. As just animals I wish I could have as pets, then maybe a panda or a sloth or a koala or a semi-sedated fox squirrel on Quaaludes.

32. Do you have any pets?
I have none of the animals listed in #31, sad to say. Instead, I have two 4-year-old asshole guinea pigs named Carl and Steve, who are biological brothers. Both are drama queens who act either like they’re starving or like you’re killing them. There is no in-between with the little tailless prima donnas.

33. Where would you like to travel?
In late March 2020, to a grocery store with toilet paper.

34. What are you working on at present?
THIS SURVEY. Haven’t you been paying attention to how this works??