News and Updates – Page 4

Erma-Gerd!

So, here I sit in a glorious hotel suite a few miles from where, tomorrow, I’ll be entrenched among other people of like mind. I’m at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. It starts tomorrow. A few of us have come in a day early to get our heads cleared, to get settled here in this strange land of Ohio.

And then tomorrow, the craziness starts.

I’ll come home inspired, exhausted, and thrilled. I’m so ready to start. Because yes, even introverts get out into the world sometimes and have fun.

I’ll just have to curl into a fetal position for most of Sunday afternoon. But it’ll be worth it.

And the Beat Goes On . . .

This past week I released both the print and Kindle editions of my cozy mystery, The Scarlet Letter Opener. Not the first novel I’ve written, but the first novel I’ve put out there in the big, wide world.

And it feels a lot like watching your firstborn grow up, move out, get married … all those overused empty-nest clichés. It feels like all of them, but a lot more personal because, if your novel flops, you can’t blame it on anyone else but yourself. Nature, nurture, whatever. It’s all crap when you release a novel. Well, you can try to blame it on the cover designer or your beta readers, but that’s just a passive-aggressive device to avoid blame, and it’s not fooling anybody.

Anyway, a few of my trusted friends [read: I’m pretty sure they’re not going to kill me in my sleep] finally convinced me that it was time to step up to the plate and shoulder the blame.

Wait… this isn’t coming out the way I had expected. Not really enticing anyone to read the book, am I?

Let me skip all the boring crap about how a writer’s creative yet blocked mind works and get right to the important stuff. The pertinent facts and rules:

1. The Scarlet Letter Opener, a cozy mystery, is now available on Amazon.com.

2. Please buy it and/or borrow it from Amazon.com.

3. If you buy and/or borrow it and enjoy it, please leave a favorable review on Amazon and/or Goodreads. Authors rely heavily on those reader reviews (especially the good ones).

4. If you buy and/or borrow it and don’t enjoy it, keep it to yourself, all right? Nobody wants to hear your negativity.

* * * * *

In other, semi-related news, another novel should be showing up within the next few weeks. This one’s a lot more serious. The cover reveal should happen later this week. Rules 2–4 above will still apply. You’re officially on notice.

50 Self-Published Books Worth Reading Contest! Go Vote!

Okay, friends! Please vote for my second book, Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions, in this contest, where it’s been nominated in the Comedy category.

And, please feel free to share this link (and the instructions to vote for Fork in the Road in that Comedy category) on your own timelines! Voting ends in mid-May, but vote early so you don’t forget.

Apparently you may vote up to five times in each category, so feel free to vote early and vote often!

Vote for FORK IN THE ROAD HERE!

I blame Ancestry.com for my heart attack

It started innocently enough.

I got my dad a subscription to Ancestry.com for Christmas, and I just renewed it for him for Father’s Day. Every so often I go to my parents’ house, and the three of us sit huddled around my dad’s computer in my dad’s living room. (And yes, my mom has her own computer … and her own living room. Don’t ask. It seems to work.) We start typing in names, clicking on little bobbing leaves, hoping to add more relatives to our ever-growing family tree.

We all find the process fascinating, though the misspellings of names can be a bit vexing at times. And, a few relatives we’re sure existed seem to defy being found. Makes me wonder if half the family weren’t fugitives living under undocumented aliases.

But I digress.

Yesterday I received a call from my mom … on their cell phone, which means one of two things, since they rarely use their cell phone: Either they’re out shopping and are calling me to ask me the size of something or the best brand of something else, or they’re calling me randomly to use up some of the 1,000 prepaid minutes they’ve racked up because they have to keep rolling them over so they don’t expire.

Yesterday it was neither of those things. The caller ID tells me it’s them on that cell phone.

“Hello? Mom?”

“Hi! Guess what!”

This is never a good game to play with my parents, so I fold immediately, although I realize playing the guessing game could at least use up a bunch of their minutes.

“Dunno. What?”

“You’ve got a sister.”

Silence. More silence. Insert crickets chirping.

“What?”

“You’ve got a sister.”

Not only do I have no idea what she’s talking about, but I also can’t fathom why she waited till they were out gallivanting around in the car to call me to tell me this. I keep asking her “What?” as if the answer will change, or at least be augmented with, say, some actual information, but all she keeps saying in response is, “You’ve got a sister.”

I can tell she’s waiting for me to catch on, but I don’t. My mind is busy whirling around our last Ancestry.com huddle-time, and I start doing the math in my head. A sister—and the cryptic way she’s telling me—means one of several things:

My parents are a lot more spry than I’ve been giving them credit for. I do not like this option one bit because the resulting therapy might not be covered by our health insurance.

One of them has a past he or she hasn’t been telling me all these years, and they’re doing a preemptive strike before I find this woman on Ancestry.com. I do not like this option either because I’ll have to amend my entire view of my childhood, which is already a bit dicey because I’m over 50 and have trouble remembering my Social Security number properly, let alone what kind of childhood I really had.

My only sibling has talked his wife into letting him get a “sister wife.” I do not like this option either because, well, I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Plus, my sister-in-law is a lot smarter than that.

“Well?”

It’s my mother, trying to yank me back to reality. She doesn’t mind using up her ridiculous cache of minutes this way, but it’s probably still pretty annoying to listen to dead silence from my end of the phone. And, let’s face it, it’s also unusual.

“Okay, I give up. It’s not you. And it’s not Mike. So it’s …”

And suddenly it hits me. All this time on Ancestry.com has had me thinking in all the wrong ways—in terms of species. I’m having this conversation with a woman who calls my pet guinea pigs her “grandpigs.” She is calling from the cell phone because, yes, she is at the Beaver County Animal Shelter. And they are picking up an 11-week-old kitten this afternoon.

And now it all makes sense … and I can start breathing again. I don’t have to rethink everything I ever knew about my entire nuclear family.

Meanwhile, I wonder what my younger brother, Scooter the tabby cat, is going to think of his new little sister….

Kindle Edition on fire (so to speak)…!

One day out, and so far, so good on the Kindle edition for Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions! Still awaiting word that the trade paperback version is available on Amazon (although I’ve ordered my own copies because I get certain privileges the little people don’t).

No, wait—the little people DO get those privileges, if they don’t mind ordering directly from CreateSpace instead of from Amazon. (CreateSpace can, well, create them immediately. A few more days for Amazon to catch up.) So if you’re dying for a print copy and don’t care about Amazon’s free shipping thing, you can order trade paperbacks here:

CreateSpace direct link for paperbacks of Fork in the Road

Otherwise, I’m okay with the one-day information on the Kindle edition, having seen this little page on Amazon just now (click the picture to see it bigger and better):

And now, I’m off to go see my dad for Father’s Day. And just because he’s so danged awesome. (Or should I saw “au-some”? No, I shouldn’t. It’s an old Au joke. There really aren’t any new Au jokes, though.)

Tomorrow I head off for the St. Davids Christian Writers’ Conference in Grove City, Pa. Once I’m back, I hit the ground running getting several of my NaNoWriMo novels tweaked and sent out in the big wide world….

One down, one to go…

Well, finally …

Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions is lurking around the CreateSpace ether, waiting to be cleared for takeoff. I’m obsessively checking my email inbox every twenty-seven seconds or so (give or take five seconds) so I can check the digital proof as soon as it shows up and approve the final layout.

It’s been a long time coming, but I can honestly say I am happy and relieved to finally have it heading out into the world. It clocked in at about 4,000 words more than Head in the Sand … and other unpopular positions. Many of the essays in Head in the Sand were written for contests or other venues (which makes for a bit of unevenness in a few spots), but everything from Fork in the Road was written with the book in mind.

Gotta give a shoutout to a few folks who saw me through this process with advice and helpful tips (in alphabetical order):
Chris Bowyer (who wishes to be known as Alan Smithee)
Lynne Gordon
Jerry Hatchett
Dora Machado
Lisa McClinsey
Fara Howell Pienkosky
Mel Rigney

I quite literally couldn’t have gotten here without your friendship and wisdom, lovingly shared. Thanks, guys!

In anticipation of Fork in the Road going live any second now [furtively checking email on the second monitor just in case… nope…], I’ve put Head in the Sand’s Kindle edition on sale for $0.99!

CHEAP! CHEAP! <——- CLICK HERE!

The print edition of Fork in the Road should be available in a few days. Once I approve the digital proof, I’m ordering my own copies to take to the St. Davids Christian Writers’ Conference next week. You guys can fight amongst yourselves for the privilege to order your own print copies while I’m gone. And remember to contact me for a free autographed bookplate for either print book! I’ll use an actual stamp on an actual envelope to mail it to you! (This offer void for Kindle editions. It makes no sense to put a sticker over your Kindle screen.)

Be on the lookout for upcoming posts with direct links to Fork in the Road!

The Next Big Thing: A Blog Hop

Ah, a blog hop! I still haven’t quite figured out what it is, but I’m participating anyway. Read here, then hop away!

Below are my thought-provoking and informative answers to some questions a bunch of authors are asking and answering right now. And, I really do hope to have Secret Agent Manny out by late spring. Yes, of THIS year. Why do you ask?

——

What is the working title of your next book?

I’m most excited about Secret Agent Manny, a comic pseudo-spy novel (more comic than spy, although the pseudo part would probably be the best adjective of the three if I’m being perfectly honest).

I have a hard time getting into a project (especially a large project) until I have a good title, and although I’m usually open to suggestions for titles, I also know it when I hear it. And, at the end of the day, I’ve usually come up with it myself. And then I can move forward.

I’ve been told I’ve got a knack for coming up with great titles. When a previous project, Do-It-Yourself Widow, placed as a runner-up in a national novel contest a few years ago, I was told that my title was the best of them all.

Now, if only I could get similar praise for the other 75,000 words in that project.

Where did the idea come from for the book?

Secret Agent Manny is my 2012 National Novel Writing Month project. The idea has to be credited to two writer pals of mine, James Watkins and Fara Howell Pienkosky. While at a writing conference last June, I got a disturbing phone call from my husband still at home, about a burglary there. As the writing conference progressed, Jim and Fara poked and prodded me into believing that my husband was actually living a double life as a spy.

Since Jim and I are both humor writers, and since Fara, though much more spiritual than I, has one of the best senses of humor in these parts, we escalated my poor husband’s imagined double-life to outrageous proportions the rest of the week.

By week’s end I knew I had to adapt their crazy (or not-so-crazy) ideas into a novel—a novel that starts out with a phone call strangely similar to the one I had with my husband that day: “There’s been an incident at the house…”

What genre does your book fall under?

I’d be more worried if you asked me what table my book fell under. But, to answer your actual question: It’s a comic pseudo-spy novel. Weren’t you paying attention earlier?
*

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

See, I don’t think there’s enough real spy action for this to be a James Bond movie, and I’m not sure the comedy translates all that well outside of book form … but since you ask, I’ll have to go with Oliver Platt for Manny and Mary Louise Parker for Amanda—but only if she’ll eat a sandwich or something first. That woman is too thin.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

A bored wife with too much time on her hands begins to suspect that her quiet, mild-mannered husband is really a spy … and she inadvertently turns their lives upside down in her quest to discover the truth.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

After years of telling myself that it was all right to self-publish the humor-essay books but not the novels, I’ve decided that God gave me a direct path to self-publishing even the novels: I’ve worked in the prepress publishing world for decades, and I have professional skills as a typesetter and proofreader. Why would I wait to see my book in print for years while going the traditional publishing route when I can wear all the prepress hats myself?

Life is too short to be traditional about this. Besides, within the next few nanoseconds, the term “traditional publishing” won’t mean anything anymore.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

I’m still working on Secret Agent Manny, but the first 50,000 words are done—and now edited—and were originally written in November 2012, as part of NaNoWriMo. But, once I’m on fire about a project, I can churn it out quickly. I hope to have this ready by late spring 2013. Just don’t quote me on that.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

Ha ha ha. Genre. Compare. You’re so funny.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

More kudos to those pesky friends of mine, Jim and Fara, for the inspiration. And once I went from just having fun coming up with reasons my husband is a spy during a writing conference to actively taking notes for a novel, the ideas just wouldn’t stop coming.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

You’d be amazed at how differently you’ll look at your own spouse when you see just how many common household items and common daily routines you can call into question. All you need is a paranoid, suspicious nature and a little creativity, and all hell breaks loose.

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BookFest coming soon … and other fun along the way!

Hey gang!

I’m not usually one for blatant self-promotion, but … well, okay, yes I am …

Anyway, the annual Bridgewater BookFest here in western Pennsylvania is coming up soon, in just a few weeks! If you’re a local author (or artist) and haven’t registered for a spot yet, do so quickly. The author registration deadline has been extended until August 31! (Go to the BookFest Web site for a registration form and instructions.)

I’ll be there again this year, selling copies of Head in the Sand and handing out pathetic promotional bookmarks for Fork in the Road, which doesn’t look like it’ll be quite ready for sale by the BookFest.

I tried, dear readers, I really tried.

But, to have had copies in hand by mid-September, I would have had to cut corners quite a bit—making the book shorter than I would have liked, less funny than I would have liked, and with more typos or layout glitches than I would have been able to handle emotionally. (I’m a fragile flower, dear reader. No, seriously. I am. Fragile. Flower. Blossoming. All that crap. That’s all me.)

We’re still hip-deep in major bathroom renovations here at the new house—meaning we’re still driving the mile back to the old house to take a shower every day (and let me tell you, the fun goes out of that after several months)—and all summer I’ve gone from one major event to another: the St. Davids conference in June (for which I had to prepare a few speeches and talks and lead a few meetings), the RPCNA international conference in July (for which I played office manager and generally had an awesome time), then the first family reunion we’ve had in years (for which we played hosts at the new house, which wasn’t quite ready) in mid-August…

…and two separate “bat” incidents in the new house in between the RPCNA conference and the family reunion. (We’re still holding our breath for a third, hoping the first two were merely flukes.)

So, the fun just never stops here in western Pennsylvania! Next we’ll find piranhas have taken up residence in the new copper plumbing.

Up next then is the aforementioned Bridgewater BookFest (for which I am author liaison this year—and that’ll teach the steering committee to put someone like me in charge of something this important on a year that has just screamed “transition!” for me since January) … and then in early October a St. Davids board meeting, followed in late October by a publication committee board meeting for my denomination.

If I can keep breathing in and out properly (without hyperventilating) between now and November, then everything should settle down … just in time for the first holiday season in our new house.

Oh, good grief. I’m so doomed.

Head in the Sand Gets Good Review in Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards!

I entered Head in the Sand … and other unpopular positions in the Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards sometime last year. Granted, I didn’t win anything. I expected that, since I assume tons of people enter this contest now. But, today I received in the mail a review of the book by the judge (the esteemed judge #57). I hadn’t realized I’d get a written review. Very cool!

I also got a certificate of “recognition of participation.” Feels a lot like getting a trophy for good attendance in kindergarten. (Yay me! I can write a check and send things in the MAIL!)

All in all, I’m extremely pleased with the results, except for that pesky “4” under “Grammar.” (Seriously? The judge didn’t even use a proper em-dash in his/her comments. But I digress.) But, why quibble when even the paragraph on what can be improved has more positive than negative in it?

This is precisely the impetus I need to get Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions finished, since I believe it’s much more solid and consistently funny (so far).

I’ve typed up the judge’s review here:

—-

Category: Nonfiction

On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 meaning “poor” and 5 meaning “excellent,” please evaluate the following:

Structure and organization: 4

Grammar: 4

Production quality and cover design: 4

Judge’s commentary:

What did you like best about this book?

Cute cover! Your style is very punchy and fresh. Some excellent bon mots (Unitarian Jesus – ha!). The Hoss Burger has me drooling. I like the brevity of the pieces – get in, get out, deliver the message. Very good. You have developed a very personable style, and you write very conversationally; you’d be surprised how rare this quality is. I can almost hear you telling these stories as I read them on the page. You have a great sense for human nature and foibles. You also have a sense for very direct, plain English, and the strategic twist of a word that can really deliver a laugh. Good job!

How can the author improve this book?

It’s really tough to develop your own path in humor, and some of this travels along subjects that are well-worn. (The toilet seat joke in the first paragraph.) But you have a natural sense for “funny,” so I get the feeling the less you try to be funny, the funnier you will naturally be. You might even delve into subject matter that’s more serious, and find humor rising out of it as if by magic. You’d be surprised, and this is a really good way to “stretch” your talents. Go in unexpected ways, and you may surprise yourself.

2011, We Hardly Knew Ye…

If I blink one more time, 2011 will be over. Seems I only blinked a few other times this year and it just whisked right by at lightning speed.

It’s been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows—you know, the usual stuff of life that happens to everyone. Our year was fraught with some health concerns (all resolved now, praise God!), some fun vacationing (we’re one of those old cruisin’ couples now), and a lot of house hunting and mountains of paperwork. Not the kind of stuff that’s always conducive to good writing … or any writing at all.

And yet, I managed to successfully complete my eighth year of NaNoWriMo in November. This one’s probably salvageable (not all of them are), although not for a while. The front-burner writing project is again Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions. The new target date for release is a very specific and pinpointed “Spring 2012.” Hey, as long as I get it done before the world ends a year from now, it’s all good, right?

And remember, if you have a Kindle or get a Kindle from Santa this year (or even just use the Kindle app on another device), my first book, Head in the Sand … and other unpopular positions, is available in Kindle format for a paltry $2.99.

Oh, and those of you with Amazon Prime memberships, be aware: The Kindle Lending Library program now includes Head in the Sand as well! That means that it can be your “borrowed” book for any given month. Read it for free! I’ll worry about getting the royalties squeezed out of Jeff Bezos. You just enjoy the ride!

And in the meantime, I continue to collect mental snippets for Fork in the Road, which is coming along nicely. (Some days lately, I don’t find anything funny at all, but then someone in my life does something boneheaded and it’s all good again!)

Have a blessed Christmas, and we’ll see you in print in 2012!

Linda